Well, since this blog is about relationships and everything that goes with them, we had better face up to the fact that sex is a big part of any relationship and therefore we need to address some fundamental issues which arise between men and women in any relationship.
Sex is one of the most febrile areas of human interaction, because our vulnerability is at its highest, and our expectations of pleasure are also at their highest. But I think it’s fair to say that in general, women are far more disappointed with sex than men.
While it probably is an exaggeration to say, as Woody Allen once did, that “there is no such thing as a bad orgasm, but some are better than others”, the truth of the matter is that statistics seem to suggest that 85% of men reach orgasm during sexual encounter, compared to only 45% of women.
Now you might be surprised that the percentage of men reaching orgasm is only 85% – I would put it at much higher, something like 95% – but that isn’t the point. The point of course is the comparatives between men and women, which demonstrates all too clearly that most women don’t reach orgasm during a sexual encounter with their man.
Sure, this could be choice – it could be that women don’t feel the need to reach orgasm in same way that men do. But that’s intuitively implausible, and it’s really quite unlikely – the reality is probably that women are giving way to men’s desire to reach orgasm and haven’t yet realized their own right during lovemaking is to enjoy as much pleasure as a man does.
You see, finding pleasure can be a route to sexual harmony – but it can also be a route to a better relationship outside the bedroom. That’s why it’s essential for men to learn how to satisfy women, and also in particular, to understand the dynamics of orgasm in a couple.
Video – orgasm facts
If it’s true that only 45% of women reach orgasm during a sexual encounter, then men need to readjust their thinking. Sex is not a dynamic that is purely about male pleasure, and sex is not about a few minutes of foreplay, quick penetration, and quick ejaculation (which usually signals the end of sexual interaction).
On the contrary, according to women’s desires as stated in many surveys, foreplay would last for between 20 and 30 minutes, intercourse would last for between 10 and 13 minutes, and women would always have an orgasm.
The medicalization of anorgasmia is one of the most notorious and unfair things to happen to female sexuality in recent times. The view that women don’t reach orgasm because there is something wrong with them is pernicious and foolish.
To medicalize lack of female orgasm in terms of something like “hypoactive sexual desire disorder” is sinister: it gives licence to pharmaceutical companies to come up with a medication which can then be marketed as a solution for a “disease” which has been invented with the collusion of the medical profession.
The reality is that most women reach don’t reach orgasm during lovemaking because they don’t have enough foreplay and they are not aroused enough when penetration starts.
For a smaller number, it’s probably true that they are sufficiently aroused but that their vaginal sensitivity is not high enough to reach orgasm through vaginal stimulation during intercourse.
But that doesn’t even matter! If a woman needs clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm there are plenty of ways of providing it during lovemaking – whether it be by manual stimulation, vibrator, or by the woman finding a sexual position in which she can rub her body against her man in such way that her clitoris is stimulated.
To maintain any other attitude is simply self-deception. Women are not getting orgasms because men are not arousing them, and because women are not insisting that lovemaking takes a form in which it is possible for a woman to reach orgasm.
So how should we bring this about? Education would be a good place to start, which is the objective of the website that you can see here – it’s all about ways in which men and women can enjoy finding pleasure and in particular how a man can satisfy a woman with orgasm during intercourse.
It’s ironic that men think it’s somehow their duty to pleasure a woman (if you look at the number of queries on the Internet for this very question, you’ll certainly see quite quickly that this is how men seem to think of their role in intercourse or sexual interaction with women) – and at the same time they manifestly fail to provide the sexual pleasure which they know women want.
I guess this is really all about gender differences, and gender differences in particular in our approach to sexuality which men and women manifest in everyday life.
Men have a high sex drive, and pretty much as soon as they are aroused, they want to make love and, to be blunt, they want to ejaculate.
Sex does not have to be a prolonged experience to be satisfying to a man.
Of course, that may be true for a woman as well – but the reason women prefer longer lasting sex is because longer foreplay enables them to become aroused enough to reach orgasm.
In the face of such apparently intractable differences between the sexes, the question arises of what would be the best way forward for couples in relationship.
And I think for me it comes down to intention – it comes down to the intention of the man to satisfy the woman, but at the same time it comes down to his intention to be a powerful man who can give her an orgasm, while delaying his own pleasure for long enough to ensure she satisfied.
Orgasmic satisfaction isn’t hard to achieve when a woman’s sufficiently aroused – so it’s really important that men get their heads around the fact that women can reach orgasm just as easily as men, but they take longer to do it.
Even women themselves accepting this deceitful concept of the “orgasm difference” are implicitly justifying the current status quo in the world of sexual relationships between men and women.
Within a loving relationship, or within a long-term relationship, women are entitled to, and should expect, and indeed demand, equal experience of orgasm to their menfolk.
And hopefully by changing the way we think about sex, and changing our expectations about the dynamics of sex which we currently enjoy, this can be brought about. That way we can enjoy a much more orgasmic sex life, and women’s frequency of orgasm will be similar to men’s.