Having Better Sex After 50: Techniques For Men and Women

So you want great sex after fifty and beyond? Here are some ideas to keep your sex life fresh.

First of all, talk about sex with your partner.

This may be difficult for you to begin with, but this first step is about resolving problems of communication. Reticence, inhibition and embarrassment make us "doers" rather than "talkers"; and yet wherever you find a sexually happy couple, you will find a couple who have been able to talk to one another about their desires and their experiences in the most intimate terms.

The older you get, the easier this should be, so that talking about sex when you're older ought not, in the natural order of things, to present you with any difficulties whatsoever. In fact, it is essential for a couple to be able to talk to one another about sex if they are to establish real sexual connection.

Believe me, it's possible for any couple to overcome their inhibitions in talking about sex. And to have a great sex life, you have to succeed in this.

But there's no need to set yourselves too high a standard, especially during sex itself. A word or two - "Come into me", "Are you coming?" "Was it all right?" - will break the ice, and if helped along by gestures such as taking the partner's hand and placing it on the breast - or penis or clitoris - and whispering, "Play with me here" it should not be too difficult to establish effective two-way communication.

At the same time that you're setting up better communication, you should also be observing your own and your partner's responses to foreplay and intercourse. The sort of things you will want to know are:

  • How often do you feel the urge to make love and how often does your partner?
  • Have there been any changes in his/her genitals after 50?
  • Are there any forms of foreplay or sexual activity which are especially exciting to him/her?
  • Is there a sex position for intercourse which seems to be particularly enjoyable or effective?
  • Does your partner seem satisfied with his/her orgasm?

And so on. But don't just observe these things - talk about them as fully as you can. And that is especially true if you are a man who does not know to last longer in bed for men and control his ejaculation so that he can pleasure his partner sexually.

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A great deal is going to depend on your attitude to sex. Often men have a more open approach to sex than women. Why? Well, a woman's arousal need not show - even if she's naked -  but when a man is sexually aroused, it is difficult for him to hide his erect penis even if he's fully clothed. Thus while the protective folds of a woman's labia could be seen as hiding her sexuality from public view, the erect penis is the outward sign of a man's masculine sexuality.

So, clearly, this difference in attitude to sex is partly caused by society, and partly by our nature: but if you do feel inhibited, it's a good idea to either start talking to your partner about how you feel, or maybe even see a counselor to discuss the situation.

Sex is fundamentally the most intimate of all human relationships: value it, and talk about it. If it is the visible symbol of your love for one another, then there is every reason for complete openness of thought, speech and action between the two partners in the privacy of their bedrooms. There should be no holding back at all between a loving couple, in the whole area of sex, whether it be in discussion or in action. 

Video - how to enjoy sex after 50



Keep the sexual flag flying high!

In these early stages of "mature sex", and until you have established a new rhythm of sex, you must deliberately use every technique you can think of. So, for example, experimenting with sex positions and techniques and adventurous foreplay may help you keep an active sex life.

If you more or less gave up sex some time ago, the best way to make a new start is to use a wide variety of new sex techniques and positions, to experiment with new ways of satisfying each other, and to ensure that you have good communication between the two of you.

On the other hand, you won't be able to use all the techniques you might have enjoyed in your earlier days, because of the physical limitations imposed on you by your age. At the same time you must have a variety of techniques on which to ring the changes in order to prevent boredom creeping in again.

Don't be inhibited. For example, a lot of women dislike engaging in fellatio. Many women's refusal to suck their man's penis is based on the fear that he will come in her mouth, or that the semen will have an unpleasant taste. Most men want to be pleasured in this way, but not necessarily to orgasm. They may prefer oral sex as part of love-play, to build up sexual excitement, so that when they come with the penis in the vagina, the final sensations of orgasm are as magnificent as they can be.

Women ought to know that many men have a powerful desire to be given oral sex, to be fellated. Even if your partner hasn't told you so, he will probably want fellatio (if you didn't know that, it's a sign of a lack of good communication!). Probably he has been dying for you to do it to him, and hasn't liked to ask you - quite simply - "Kiss my penis," "Suck my cock", or "Go down on me, please" because he has felt you might object or be offended.

Appearing naked over 50: how are you about appearing naked in front of each other? With the blemishes and weaknesses which almost certainly appear in the middle aged body, there's a natural tendency to some reticence in appearing naked.

But your partner has a right to know by sight the body with which s/he is going to enjoy sex. Perhaps, if you have let yourself go physically, letting your partner have a good look at you will encourage you to take your appearance in hand more vigorously.

So get rid of your clothes when you make love: the sensual response of naked flesh against naked flesh is one of the most powerful stimulants there is. And when you pass 50, you cannot afford to overlook any aid to sensation you can think of, or anything that comes your way!

Set boundaries. So it helps for the female partner of a man in mid life, even if communication hasn't been good up this point, to make quite plain to him now what you are and aren't willing to do with him sexually. And of course, this includes oral sex.

If what holds you back from fellatio is the fear of him spurting his semen into your mouth, tell him so. He may not want to come in your mouth, or if he does he may well be willing to compromise by telling you when he is about to come and then having you finish him off by hand.

Be equal. If a woman is totally honest, she has to admit that the caress of her partner's lips and tongue on her clitoris, vaginal lips, outer and inner labia, and her vaginal entrance is among the most exquisitely sensuous, voluptuous sensations she can experience. Men find fellatio just as pleasurable.

Equally if you have the urge to be the recipient of cunnilingus, do not fail to tell your partner. You will be surprised at how quickly he will agree to pleasure you, his woman, in this way. All you have to say is, "Kiss me down there," or "Lick my pussy", or "Go down on me."

Video - sexual communication

Adapt your sexual habits. As your partner gets older he needs physical stimuli more and more to get an erection; you will be surprised how useful fellatio is going to be in this way for a man over fifty.

That is to say, he won't get erections any more when he looks at pictures of beautiful girls, or even at beautiful girls themselves, or possibly when he looks at you. In some cases he may not become erect even when he fondles you. This is absolutely normal for many men having sex when over fifty, and quite a number of men over forty-five find themselves in the same position.

But a man won't usually be entirely without an erection; all he needs is some encouragement. Usually fondling his penis is enough, but if you want to do a really good job in getting him erect, offer to fellate him. And on those occasions when he doesn't even start off with a partial erection, oral sex, giving him a blow job, fellatio, going down on him, call it what you will, is pretty much a sure-fire way to get him erect.

An older man's inability to achieve spontaneous erection has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction. It's a natural process. As men age, and especially as they pass 50, they find their sexual response to certain things is lower than it used to be.

It takes more effort - and different sexual techniques - to get a man aroused. But once he is aroused, he will enjoy sex and be able to take part in it just as much as he ever did.

Temporary erection failures are not uncommon over the age of 50.

There is always the possibility of a man losing his erection after he has entered his partner but before either of them has had a chance to reach orgasm. This is a very distressing problem for most men, not least because it can happen so unexpectedly and so rapidly.

If his erection disappears completely and his penis slips out of your vagina, you can try fellating him back to erection. He is likely to really enjoy fellatio. Another alternative is to fondle his penis as he brings you off with cunnilingus or masturbation.

Knowing that he is bringing you off may go some way to arousing him to erection again, and this combined with your fondling of his penis may make him erect. And for sure, the more aroused you are, the more aroused he will become.

If so, as soon as you have reached orgasm he may be able to go back inside your vagina, which will give you the benefit of prolonged thrusting sensations, perhaps even taking you to orgasm. But in essence, this is about being tolerant, adaptable, and flexible. 

More often than not, however, the penis, though limp, does not quickly shrink back to its normal flaccid size, but remains larger than normal and does not slip out of the vagina. If you act quickly, you - his female partner that is - may be able to restore his full erection within a few seconds, in the following way. 

For women: Giving a man over fifty great feelings during sex - and keeping his erection firm

If you are using the man on top sex position, and he is lying inside your legs, change position so that his legs are lying outside yours and he is gripping your thighs between his. This increases pressure on the penis inside the vagina.

At the same time you should grip his penis as hard as you can with the muscles of your vaginal entrance. If your arms are long enough reach a hand round over his buttocks and feel his scrotum carefully. His scrotum, by the way, should be lying on top of your closed legs.

Find the spot on the scrotum above the balls, as near to the bottom of the penis as possible, and grip it firmly - but not nipping it so as to cause pain - and pull it away from you quite hard, at the same time gripping the penis with the vaginal muscles, to avoid pulling it out of you.

This has the effect, if you pull hard enough, of pulling on the penis skin and stretching the frenulum, where most of the nerves are which control erection and orgasm. The effect of stretching the frenulum is to stimulate these nerves and within a very short time his erection may be restored.

The effect of you gripping his penis with your vaginal muscles will be to maintain your own progress towards orgasm, and with good fortune, intercourse that might easily have had to be abandoned can be brought to a natural and satisfying conclusion for you both.

But you must act quickly; either as soon as you find you can't feel the penis inside you, or your man tells you he has lost his erection, which he can do in such terms as, "I've lost it," or "I've gone small", or "It's gone soft". (More than at any other time, two older partners need to be able to communicate clearly and precisely with one another during intercourse.)

Stretching the frenulum in this way may also be successful in resolving retarded or delayed ejaculation.

In these cases, the woman can again grip the man's penis with her vaginal muscles; but in this case it is better not to change sex position. To reach the scrotum, slip your hand between your two pubic areas and take hold of it. Pull downwards at the same time as your man pushes his penis upwards into you. The pressure of his pubic area on your general clitoral area will keep you aroused despite the intervention of your hand, if you keep it a little to one side.

Quite a number of men, by the way, occasionally use this method of stretching the frenulum as an alternative method of masturbation. It is quite likely that your partner will have done so, possibly as a boy or young man, and he will be able to show you what to do.

By the way, the best method of taking hold of the scrotum is to ring your thumb and forefinger fairly tightly round it and push away from you, with his balls under the palm of your hand, as though you were trying to squeeze them out of the bag.

Explore new areas of each other's body

The scrotum is very sensitive to very light strokes of the palm of a woman's hand.

Begin at the base and very lightly draw the palm up over the scrotum, just brushing it. If you continue slowly with the same kind of touch up over the penis until you reach the penis-tip, you will surprise your partner, if this kind of touch is new to him, by the intensity of the sensations you produce.

If you do not know them already, go exploring your man's body with him as your guide, in order to discover his most sensitive spots. (He should return the favor for you!)

One very sensitive spot is the perineum, the area situated behind the scrotum extending from the base of the penis to the anus. It is extremely sensitive to light and firm stroking with the fingertips or tongue.

What a woman can expect from her body, sexually, over 50 years of age

Masters and Johnson's research in the 1950s suggests that your nipples will become hard and erect when you are sexually aroused by the mouth or fingers of your partner until you are in your late seventies.

During sex after 50 your clitoris will also respond with erection and behave exactly as it did when you were younger, except that it may require longer stimulation.

However, your outer labia may not swell and open like they did earlier in life: this is due to the reduced hormone levels after the menopause. Your inner labia will continue to swell a little throughout your sixties, but they will gradually lose the power to do so.

Vaginal lubrication may gradually decrease, sooner or later stopping in some women, though by no means all women. See our advice about intercourse - or rather, lubricants for intercourse.

It is in the vagina that the greatest changes take place after the menopause. The thinning and smoothing of the vaginal walls may give rise to discomfort during intercourse as you get older, and this may be thickened again, by using hormone pellets for localized hormone replacement in the vagina as prescribed by your doctor. This is not likely to occur until your sixties and seventies, but can always be put right by treatment.

If your vagina also becomes shorter and narrower as you grow older, your partner can always adjust to your length - with your help - and the narrowing is really a bonus, for it will help you to have closer contact with the penis. This will heighten the sensations during sex for both of you. How interesting to realize that sex after fifty can actually be better than before because of increased tightness and reduced lubrication!

You can develop the muscles at the entrance of the vagina, so that you can contract and relax it at will. Some women teach themselves how to do this when they are younger, but it is surprising how many women do not know that they can control this muscle - which contracts involuntarily when you have an orgasm - in the same way that the man can control the muscles that make his penis twitch. 

You will find it easier to learn this technique if you use a smooth round object like a dildo or vibrator. Anyhow, whatever you use, it should be about four inches round, with a rounded end and it must be clean. Having lubricated it with saliva, insert it carefully about two inches into the vagina and then try to grip on it with the muscles of the vaginal entrance.

At first it may feel that you cannot budge the muscle at all. But don't give up! It will begin to respond after a time, and with as little as five minutes' practice twice a day, you should have the sensation that you are actually gripping the instrument tightly with your vaginal entrance.

When you reach this stage, use a less thick vibrator and practice until you feel you are gripping on that. When you reach this stage you will have full control of the muscle. You grip and relax when you do this: don't try and keep up a continuous grip.

Besides being useful for holding a half-erect penis in your vagina and helping to stimulate it back to erection, it is also a useful technique to have in cases of delayed or retarded ejaculation.

The wave-like gripping of the muscle about the base of the penis is very stimulating to the man when his penis is erect.

When you have perfect control of the muscle you should continue to have two or three gripping sessions - without using any instrument - a week, to keep the muscle toned. Better still, use the Kegelmaster, an appliance designed specifically for vaginal exercises. 

The uterus also becomes much smaller after the menopause. This is not likely to cause any repercussions in your sex life. It will still contract when you reach orgasm, and it will add its sensations to those of the vagina, anus, pelvis and clitoris.

Actually, then, as you pass fifty and beyond, your sexual responses will not change very much. Indeed, you are in some ways in a much better position than your male partner, whose sexual responses - in particular his ability to get erect - may be really affected by encroaching age.

Problems such as delayed ejaculation can easily be dealt with. There are many other sexual dysfunctions that may affect a man as he ages, of course, including difficulty in getting an erection, loss of erection, and even premature ejaculation - the curse of youth, which can make a reappearance later in life, for reasons of anxiety and loss of sexual confidence. Fortunately, men can find out how to stop premature ejaculation now and last longer in bed by using some of the excellent self-help guides available on the internet.

Practical suggestions to improve your sex life in the years beyond 50

1 In the early years of your sex life you may have been willing to seize the moment when passion gripped you, enjoying sex at any hour of the day or night. Now you're in your 50s it's an even better idea to take the opportunity to enjoy sex whenever you feel a surge of passion. Don't let the chance slip by!

Also, find the time when you feel sexiest, and enjoy sex at that time as often as you can. So, for example, a man may feel most passionate in the morning while his partner feels most passionate in the afternoon. If it suits you both, you could make love in the morning or afternoon alternately, rather than in bed at night. A simple change to your routine like this will allow you to take advantage of the time when you naturally feel sexy.

2 Try finding new sex positions which allow you to make the most of your libido. Not all sex positions are equally exciting: some will be much more arousing for you than others, and if you experiment you can find out which give you a head start on getting the best sex. Of course, making love isn't just about sex positions - it's about emotional and spiritual connection as well, so you might like to pay particular attention to sexual positions like side-by-side, positions which allow you to rest during sex, enjoy every aspect of each other's bodies, and still maintain a loving sexual connection.

3 Explore new sexual techniques which focus on the loving energy of sex rather than just the physical aspects. I'm thinking particularly of Tantric sex, because Tantric massage can be intensely arousing, involving a slow, sensual build-up to a peak of sexual and erotic energy. (In my opinion it would be a good idea for all couples over the age of 50 to enroll on a Tantra course, because this is one of the fastest ways to kick start your libido and get better orgasms.)

4 Take off the time pressure: don't attempt to have sex if time is short, because the lack of opportunity for sensual stimulation may produce performance pressure which affects your man's ability to sustain an erection. That doesn't mean to say you shouldn't respond to the urges of passion if you want a quickie!

5 Make sex special: if it suits you, book time in your diary when you know that you have the opportunity for an uninterrupted session of lovemaking. Make it a special, extended experience of "togetherness" where you can enjoy either sensual massage, lovemaking or mutual caresses. This way, the pressure is off and the experience can evolve naturally at its own pace into whatever suits you at the time.

6 Become more active. Most women in our society, even now, tend to adopt a more passive approach during lovemaking: more passive than the man, that is. But it's a myth that a man has to lead during lovemaking while his partner follows wherever he goes. For one thing, it's disempowering for the woman not to have the opportunity to take control in sex.

More importantly, a woman can sometimes show a man the way to go when he doesn't know what to do next. So, for example, you could use your mouth, your breasts, your hair, or other parts of your body to gently stimulate and arouse him, not just by sexual touch, but by sensual touch all over his body. Women have been seducing men with the power of their bodies, with the power of touch, even with the power of femininity itself, for millennia. That collective knowledge is within you, and you can draw upon it and use it to take charge of the sexual experience with your partner whenever you wish.

7 The best approach to sex after 50 is consistency. And what that means is that the acrobatic sexual exploits of your youth (if there were any) may not be appropriate at this time of life. You might prefer to choose a sex position which is easy on both of you and to stick to it throughout a session of lovemaking. Particularly good sex positions for more mature men and women are the woman on top position (provided you can get over any embarrassment you feel about him seeing your body), the side-by-side positions, and perhaps rear-entry. Check them out here.

Positions you might find less helpful include anything that puts a strain on your muscles or those of your partner, among which unfortunately we would have to include the good ol' man on top position, although this has other advantages for men because it reinforces very strongly a man's sense of masculine power.

8 Make love in a warm comfortable environment where neither of you feels cold, exposed, or uncomfortable.

9 Devote time to massage and touch, to literally improve your physical connection as well as your sense of intimacy and emotional closeness.

10 Whatever you do, don't panic if his penis fails to get erect. As you know by now, erections are involuntary, and panicking when they don't appear, or criticizing him as though he were responsible for their non-appearance, is both ignorant and unhelpful in furthering your close emotional connection. It also increases the likelihood of erection problems happening next time.

11 Remember that any natural drop in sexual drive cannot be countered by increasing stimulation through the use of porn, sexy lingerie, or acting out those deepest fantasies which have intrigued you for years. (Having said that, of course it can be fun to indulge in new sexual practices if they provide excitement and you both agree about what you're doing.)  

Sex positions for the over fifties, sixties and seventies

You don't need to despair: adapting your sexual positions as you age is a natural process, and the information given below can be useful at any age. The fact is, you'll find out naturally enough what positions suit you at different ages by trying them out. If you find that some positions are now beginning to seem a bit tiring, then you can adapt them. It's not as if you have to use these positions just because you're middle- or post middle-aged!

In any event, boredom is the greatest enemy of sex and it helps to have a repertoire of foreplay techniques and sexual positions so you can ring the changes. Six to nine sexual positions can bring wide variety into your sexual experience and will make all the difference between boredom and excitement - here are a few sexual positions which are effective and won't tire you out.

By the way, paunches, both male and female, have an awkward tendency to get in the way and to prevent really close physical intimacy in many sexual positions. And, if you have a bed with a solid footboard, it can be helpful for both partners, because, if the most active partner lies far enough down the bed so that his/her soles press firmly and quite flat against the footboard, the movements he/she is required to make during sex need not be so vigorous. By pressing your soles against the footboard, a leverage is obtained which allows your pelvic movements to be greatly reduced and yet be just as effective.

If either of you is a bit on the fat side, you will get the closest penis-vagina contact with the woman above, kneeling. The man lies on his back and the woman kneels astride him, just above his penis. When she has put your penis into her, she sits down on your upper legs.

If you, the man, press the soles of your feet firmly against the footboard, when you need only thrust with your pelvis slightly, so that your buttocks do not leave the bed; in fact they need not move at all. This means they will not be tensed, which is the cause of the tiring due to more vigorous in-and-out thrusting movements.

If you tried woman on top sex when you were younger, the woman probably rode up-and-down on your penis. This can also be quite tiring. It is scarcely tiring at all, however, if the woman, taking hold of one of the man's hands with both of hers, instead of raising herself up and down, rocks backwards and forwards. At the same time, the man maintains contact with her vaginal entrance and vulva by a slight upwards movement of his pelvis, and with his free hand, he can stimulate either her nipples or clitoris.

Having the soles of your feet pressed firmly against the footboard also helps to reduce the need for more vigorous movements in the traditional man on top sex position. Instead of making in-and-out thrusting movements, you will find that you can make rhythmic rotary movements with your pelvis, so that your pubic bone never breaks contact with your partner's clitoral area.

Only when she has already reached orgasm and you wish to bring yourself off, need you begin thrusting movements; it's surprising how much less tiring these are when made with the soles of the feet pressed against the footboard.

As a variation on the man on top sex position try having both the man's legs inside the woman's, or placing just one leg outside one of hers.

if you are the man, your inside foot should press against the footboard. In this position the penis lies in the vagina obliquely, and its movements at this angle provide sensations for the woman which she does not experience when the penis goes straight into the vagina. You can either make rotary movements with your pelvis, or you can  make long, slow thrusting movements. The point is, that with your foot making a purchase on the footboard, you don't have to tense your buttock-muscles, nor make such use of your pelvic muscles, both of which are tiring.

A variation of the "woman kneeling above the man" is to have the woman on top facing away from the man. If she leans forward a little, and places the palms of her hands on her knees, she can go forward and back on your penis. In this position, the penis is bent forward against its natural angle, and the top of the shaft is pressed hard against the upper vaginal wall - the area of the G spot - which can provide extremely pleasant sensations for the woman.

You should make the following movement: with your feet pressed firmly against the footboard, in rhythm with your partner's movements, you make a movement as though sliding back and forth on the bed. Do this by starting off with your knees very, very slightly bent, and then push with your feet before relaxing; then push again and relax once more. You need move only two or three inches along the bed at most, but this is sufficient to bolster the woman's movements, and so both come out of the encounter much less tired.

If you are both quite slim, you can enjoy intercourse lying facing one another on your sides. You will have to sort out the positions of your legs, so that you get the best penis-vagina contact. Again, at least one foot of each partner can press against the footboard to make it less tiring.

Another side by side sexual position excellent for the over-fifties is that in which the woman presents her back to her partner. But here again the couple have to be fairly slim for the penis to get in far enough to give the woman worthwhile sensations. The man should press his lower leg against the footboard and put the other over the top leg of the woman.

For variety, there is a woman on top sex position which is not at all tiring and uses only part of the bed. You, the man, lie with your back on the bed, buttocks protruding over the edge of the bed supported by a stool or a chest, like a blanket chest.

The woman gets astride you, and lowers herself on to your penis, either facing you or with her back to you. When she has guided your penis into her vagina, she sits down on your upper thighs. If she is facing you she rocks backwards and forwards, or if she has her back to you, she supports her hands on the chest or stool and raises her buttocks up and down.

Her feet should be firmly on the ground both for frontal and rear entry as this prevents her from getting tired. You do not move at all, but should concentrate on using both hands to stimulate her breasts, clitoris, or vaginal entrance in the front position; in the rear entry position you should place a hand on each buttock and assist her gently as she goes up and down. This gives her very pleasurable sensations.

If you use any of the positions which are performed on a chair, see that the chair is low enough so that both you and your partner can place your feet firmly on the ground. The best rear entry sexual position for having sex after fifty is the standing one, in which the woman leans forward supporting herself on a table or ledge with her hands, and the man stands behind her.

Maybe she will have to stand on a low stool or a box, which should be absolutely firm and wide enough for her to stand with her legs slightly apart, to obtain the most comfortable adjustment for differences in height.

If you use the rear-entry position in which the woman kneels on the bed or floor and leans forward with her head supported on her arms, the man has to kneel behind her, and this can be quite fatiguing if the man has to adjust his height - as happens in nearly every case - in order to get good penetration.

Guidelines about the kinds of things that men find satisfying and pleasurable when a woman is stimulating the penis.

First of all, women seem to be afraid of hurting the man and use of touch which is much too light... perhaps here, they're thinking of the sort of touch they like for their own clitoris. However, for a man, a much firmer touch is required when you stimulate his penis.

Furthermore, you need to do this in a confident way; a tentative touch can be very unarousing, possibly even irritating. Although a light touch can be preferable to a firmer one just before and after ejaculation, in the early stages of stimulation firm and confident are the watchwords (unless he tells you different).

A good way of achieving the right kind of pressure and stimulation is to use both hands, well oiled, sliding them up the penis and circling them over and around the head of his erection. Other possibilities are to stimulate his penis with one hand while you gently cradle and massages his testicles, or to rub the skin of the scrotum between your fingertips.

Most men love to have the testicles gently rolled within the scrotum, while licking them can send a man to heaven, especially if you are stimulating his penis at the same time. The important thing - no, the essential thing - is to communicate with each other.

This may be one aspect of his sexual behavior which definitely needs to change: many men are not familiar with how to communicate about intimate matters with their partners. But communication produces a deeper understanding of each other's sexual needs, and this will in turn produce a sense of closeness and intimacy.

While you stimulate his penis with one hand, you can use your free hand  to explore other parts of his body, whether that is his testicles, his nipples, chest, scrotum, belly, thighs, or his perineum and anus. One of the keys to making your touch arousing for him is to do it in a way that is both graceful and smooth. That comes from confidence, mainly. You definitely don't want to touch him in a way that feels frantic or is constantly changing.

But the only way of knowing exactly what is right for your man is to have him tell you when he would like something different. This is no different from you telling him how firmly or quickly to stimulate your clitoris.

Such feedback should always be communicated in a positive way: for example, "I love it when you do that, but it might feel even better if you just slow down the movement." It's almost essential when you're massaging your man's penis to use a good quality lubricant.

Many of the oils used in massage or aromatherapy can provide him with a beautiful experience, but even simple, straightforward almond or olive oil is a beautiful lubricant... always use plenty, and if you're adding the aromatic essential oils used in aromatherapy, make sure that you only add them in the quantities used for aromatherapy, which is often one single drop in a considerable amount of "carrier" oil.

If he's never had an oily massage to his penis - a lingam massage - he may well be astounded by how good it feels as you slide your oily hands over his penis, up and down his shaft, over his glans, around his testicles, and perhaps even over his anus and perineum. remember also that using slow oily massage strokes on the penis is a great way of teaching him how to slow down his sexual responses and last longer in bed.

Above all, what he wants from you is controlled and consistent stimulation. Remember that it's the glans, the head, of the penis which is the most sensitive part. This probably means that you need to use a different touch for the head & shaft of the penis when you stimulate them. Too much pressure, and movements that are too fast, may be uncomfortable. But once again, why not simply ask your man what feels best to him, or even have him show you what feels good, using oil as a lubricant when he masturbates?

One of things that you need to remember if you're going on from manual stimulation of his penis to sexual intercourse is the possibility of the lube getting into your vagina. Would you want oil inside your vagina? If not, you can use a water-based lube like Probe or Astroglide, which contain slippery compounds that are neutral on body tissues. Or you could just wipe his penis clean of oil before he enters you.

One of the things you need to remember when you make love to a man of 50+ is that besides having a less reliable erection in the first place, he may also lose his erection from time to time during lovemaking or foreplay. This is normal for men of all ages, but can happen more often with an older man. A little encouragement should restore his hardness. Whatever you do, don't comment adversely on the loss of his erection - be confident and bold!

Another change: the angle of erection gets lower as a man gets older. For a man who is accustomed to having spent decades with his penis firmly sticking up towards the heavens throughout lovemaking, and perhaps also for you, the sight of his penis "dangling rather than angling" during sex can be alarming if not discouraging!

However, a decrease in the angle of erection is entirely normal as a man ages. You can experiment with stroking his penis in different positions to see if that makes his erection harder, but bear in mind that as long as his penis is hard enough for penetration and enjoyable intercourse, it is just as hard as it needs to be.

Oral sex and the man over 50

Even in these supposedly enlightened and uninhibited times, there are a surprising number of women who do not like the idea of giving a man oral sex. But oral pleasure is at least as good as vaginal sex in most men's eyes.

So if you're a woman who's reluctant to give her man oral sex, it's extremely unlikely that your man will be sexually content if he never receives oral pleasure from you. There's something particularly special about oral sex: it honors a man's very being, besides paying homage to the most outward and obvious sign of his masculinity. And, like it or not, he will want to ejaculate in your mouth even if he says he does not mind being finished off by hand.

This is because a woman's willingness to accept a man's ejaculate in her mouth is a very potent symbol of her acceptance of every aspect of his masculinity. Should you have no desire to receive his semen in your mouth, then take him as close to ejaculation with your mouth as you can, then move your mouth away at the last moment, and finish him off with a very well lubricated hand. This is the next best thing to full oral sex.

If, however, you're still reluctant to pleasure him orally, it's definitely worth trying to overcome your hesitation, because oral sex is a vital part of the sexual repertoire for a man over 50. That's because for a man whose erection is not as reliable as it once was, oral sex can be a very satisfying and fulfilling way of obtaining sexual pleasure.

Even if he does not have an erection, a man can obtain immense pleasure from being stimulated orally. Finally, more often than not, slow and relaxed oral sex is a wonderful way of helping a man who has difficulty in this department get a hard erection.

Once again, a degree of confidence and knowledge on your part are required to get the best from oral sex, as from any sexual technique.

Remember to keep your teeth covered by your lips and use your tongue to stimulate all areas of the penile head, especially the frenulum. If you want to maintain control of the depth to which his penis enters your mouth, put your closed fist right around the base of his penis. You'll feel much more confident that he isn't going to get over-excited and start thrusting too deeply into your throat.

Two of the best positions for oral sex are: (1) him standing with you kneeling on the floor in front of him; and (2) him lying on his back on the bed with you kneeling over him with your buttocks and groin close to his mouth.

You may need to prop his head up with a pillow or two so that he can get his face close to your delicious vulva - the sight and scent of which is likely to add to his excitement as you caress his penis with your mouth. Also, if you have long hair, let that flow freely and gently over his groin, penis and testicles to add to the delightful stimulation.

Oral sex on a man is one of the most exciting things a woman can do for him: to be in possession of such a glorious technique is a wonderful way of ensuring that his penis remains responsive to both your desire and his.

Are you getting enough sleep?

This isn't some kind of joke about how long you're staying awake versus how long you're having sex! It's a serious point about the need for sleep. Nothing interrupts the good functioning of the 50+ penis more than stress - and nothing stops stress building up more effectively than adequate sleep.

We all know that these days there are many demands on us which can prevent us getting enough high-quality sleep. The simple fact is, however, that if a man over 50 doesn't get enough sleep, then his sexual desire will be low and his performance impaired. If either of you is feeling tired in the morning, you need to find a way to sleep better and more restfully.

So here's a simple summary of sexual techniques for the man over 50 - or, rather, a summary of health tips and sexual techniques to which a man of 50 years or more needs to pay attention.

First and foremost, a man over 50 should be paying attention to his physical health including his cholesterol levels, his exercise levels, and ensuring that he is both physically fit and eating a diet is likely to sustain good health.

Second, he should be checking his hormone levels to establish whether or not some kind of hormone replacement therapy might be helpful to his well-being. You can find out more about the symptoms of testosterone deficiency here.

Third, you and he should be communicating about all aspects of your sexual experiences, including the changes that are taking place in your bodies, and what this might mean for your sexual wishes, needs, and desires.

Fourth, you should be discovering or rediscovering the most effective foreplay and stimulation techniques, the stimulation that arouses him as much as possible, and makes his penis as hard as it can be. This may include finding new ways to explore sensual and sexual experiences together, including oral stimulation if this has not previously been a part of your sexual repertoire.

Fifth, the 50s are a time when all of us should be slowing down, living a gentler, more considered life that reflects our lessening energy and capacity to cope with stress.

Unfortunately, our modern world rarely provides us with the opportunity to grow old (or older) gracefully. Indeed, the demands of family, money, work, and so on, let alone changes in our sexuality, can all combine to produce a life which is actually more stressful than it was in our earlier decades.

Nonetheless, we all have a certain amount of choice about how we live our lives, and making the decision to reduce stress, get more sleep, and enjoy sex at a level which is appropriate for our current libido and needs, are all powerful choices which contribute to a more relaxed and fulfilling, not to mention satisfying, sex life.

Sixth, both of you need to be looking at expanding your sexual knowledge and perhaps your sexual repertoire (your range sexual techniques and positions, that is) so that it fits with your expectations. In particular, understanding the changes that are happening in your bodies is essential to understanding why the certainties with which you've lived for years, or even decades, may not sustain you through the years beyond 50.